I recently watched a movie called “The Giver,” which was about characters in a dystopian future where all emotions and color had been eliminated from society. The movie begins in black and white because that’s literally all that the characters can see, thanks to a drug they take daily. I found that this movie served as a strong metaphor for how I’ve felt ever since Josh passed away. Life without Josh is like suddenly going color blind. You are just fine as you go about your day, but suddenly there is something that pops into your vision which lacks all color. Anytime that you see something that is colorless, you’re reminded that a color has been taken away from you, and that might make you sad.
As far as emotions, I’ve just felt sad not only that Josh is gone from our lives, but when and how it happened. He was much too young to have to deals with cancer. It all seems so random, and I don’t know if it will ever make sense to me.
I have been gradually doing a little bit better. I am not as preoccupied by his death as I once was. I am, however, still sorting out the role I played as a parent/caregiver, and have thought a lot about what we could have done differently. Ultimately, he ran out of time.
