I was thinking recently about what I would do if I was in charge of creating some kind of Star Wars-themed ice show. There is really so much potential. So I sat down and wrote out Part I of what I guess would be a multi-part show. Or, more honestly, I really didn’t have time to figure out how to fit everything into just one show, and I was having so much fun writing the script I stopped worrying how all of this would be accomplished. Now, I’ll admit that I have never planned an ice skating program, and I know so little about ice skating. But, I tried to leave those parts to the experts. So, now, I present to you the script for “Star Wars On Ice: Part I.”

Image from History in AI https://historyinai.com/project/star-wars-on-ice/

Star Wars on Ice

Part I

C3PO enters center stage and begins to address the audience.

C3PO

Greetings, I am See-Threepio, Human-cyborg relations, fluent in over 900 million forms of language. I wanted to welcome you to the grand opening of the Rebellion Memorial Museum. Why they chose to build it on Hoth is beyond me. The purpose of this museum is to honor the men and women who fought valiantly to end the tyranny of the Empire and restore peace to the Galaxy.

I am not much of a storyteller. That is why I am grateful that I have brought a lot of friends to help me out. I hope that you enjoy the show. And, please try to stay warm.

The lights dim. The music for 20th Century Fox plays, and two spotlights which are positioned on the ice swing back and forth. When the music ends, the lights go down again, and when they turn back on the opening theme for Star Wars begins to play. In the center of the ice, there is a giant display with the opening scrawl printed on it. After the first couple of bars of the theme music, the CAST begins to skate through the display, breaking the paper which had the words printed on it. The CAST skates around the rink randomly, consisting of DARTH VADAR, LUKE SKYWALKER, PRINCESS LEIA, and others. The music concludes and the lights go dim.

C3PO (V.O.)

Of course, our story begins long, long ago before the fall of the Old Republic with ANAKIN SKYWALKER. He was just a little boy back then, although he was a great pilot and happened to have built me. Back then, nobody had any idea that he would grow up to be DARTH VADAR, lord of the sith.

Anakin Skywalker skates.

C3PO (V.O.)

ANAKIN’s twin children would grow up to be LUKE SKYWALKER and PRINCESS LEIA. LEIA began working for the Rebellion at a very young age, and helped smuggle a copy of the stolen DEATH STAR plans to the Rebellion’s headquarters.

R2D2 (V.O.)

(Tweets and beeps)

C3PO (V.O.)

Oh yes, R2, I was referring to the first Death Star.

Princess Leia Skates.

At the end of her routine, she stops in front of R2D2 and begins fiddling with his controls.

PRINCESS LEIA crouches next to R2D2. As she completes her task, a Stormtrooper approaches. PRINCESS LEIA turns around, her laser gun drawn. R2D2 leaves the ice.

R2 (V.O.)

(Tweets and Beeps)

C3PO (V.O.)

No, I haven’t forgotten the whole story about how the Death Star plans were stolen, and I do realize that a whole movie was dedicated to it. But, we’re trying to keep things brief!

R2

(Blows a strawberry)

C3PO (V.O.)

Oh, switch off! (pauses) Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Princess LEIA’s ship had been captured by an Imperial Star Destroyer commanded by DARTH VADAR. But, in the chaos that followed she was able to download the plans for the Death Star into R2D2’s hard drive.

STORMTROOPER

You there! Halt right there!

Princess Leia fires her gun, making a laser gun sound. The Stormtrooper fires his gun, making a fizzy stun sound. Princess Leia collapses onto the ice. The lights go down.

C3PO (V.O.)

After our narrow escape, R2 and I landed on Tatooine, home of our future owner, LUKE SKYWALKER. Oh, how I hated how much the sand got into my joints! After a little bit of turmoil, both R2 and I ended up being put on display for sale by JAWAS! Oh, goodness!

R2 (V.O.)

Tweets and beeps

C3PO (V.O.)

You’re right, R2, it was worse than being sold on eBay!

Luke Skywalker skates. During the routine, he fights a SAND PERSON, and is joined by classic OBI WAN KENOBI. They hop on board a landspeeder and move across the ice. To the other half of the rink which is adorn with a cantina backdrop and several skaters in alien costumes.

C3PO (V.O.)

Eventually, LUKE, R2, and I ran into former Jedi Knight OBI WAN KENOBI. With his help, we were able to watch the full message which PRINCESS LEIA had hidden inside R2’s circuitry. KENOBI also told LUKE about his father, who he had fought with during the CLONE WARS. KENOBI asked for LUKE’s help with getting the stolen plans to the Rebellion. They knew that in order to do that they would need to rent a ship at MOS EISLEY. That is how they met HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA.

Han Solo and Chewbacca skate. They are pursued briefly by BOBA FETT and engaged in a laser gun battle.

HAN and CHEWBACCA join KENOBI and LUKE at a table.

HAN SOLO

So, Chewie here says that you need passage to Alderann. What’s the cargo?

KENOBI

Just myself, the boy, two droids. . .and no questions asked. As long as it’s a fast ship.

HAN SOLO

You’ve got yourself a deal. You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?

KENOBI

Should I Have?

HAN SOLO

It made the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs! I’ll meet you in an hour inside Hangar 12.

LUKE and KENOBI, and CHEWBACCA skate away, but GREEDO enters.

HAN

Oh, hey GREEDO! I was just about to call your boss with some great news!

GREEDO draws his gun, but HAN fires first.

The lights go down.

C3PO (V.O.)

Oh, how dreadful! Well, what we didn’t know as we left Tatooine was that PRINCESS LEIA was being interrogated for the location of the Rebellion’s hidden base. She wasn’t talking, so GOVERNOR TARKIN decided to try something even nastier..

The lights go up. In the center is a beach ball representing Alderaan. PRINCESS LEIA skates, until towards the end DARTH VADAR joins her. As the music wraps up, they join GOVERNOR TARKIN who is staring through a false view screen which lines up with the beach ball.

TARKIN

Since you have not given us the location of the Rebel Base, I have decided to test our new weapon out on a different target . . your home planet of Alderaan!

LEIA

No!!

TARKIN

You may fire when ready!

The beach Ball explodes, and the lights go down.

C3PO (V.O.)

We were intercepted and brought aboard the Death Star, but fortunately we were able to evade capture. LUKE worked out a plan to rescue the PRINCESS and we managed to get back to our ship. But, OBI WAN KENOBI sacrificed himself in a battle with DARTH VADAR. We escaped, and best of all, our rebel leaders were able to decipher the plans and find a weakness. As the DEATH STAR approached our planet, we launched a desperate aerial assault with our fighters. Meanwhile, HAN SOLO and CHEWACCA accepted the reward for rescuing the Princess, and were planning on leaving, even though this was the rebellion’s most desperate hour.

The lights come back up. Skaters wearing suits resembling X-Wing fighters and TIE Fighers skate around randomly on the ice. There are sounds of chatter over the radio and laser fighter. Some of the skaters fall over, signifying that they’ve been shot down. LUKE SKYWALKER enters the ice wearing an X-Wing fighter costume, pursued by DARTH VADAR. They inch closer to a faux hole in the ice. Suddenly, DARTH VADAR spins out of control and we hear  . . .

HAN SOLO (V.O.)

You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!

Luke Skywalker skates by the “spot,” there’s a flash and he skates out of view. All of the rebels pour out onto the ice as they celebrate. LUKE joins them LEIA skates by, handing LUKE, HAN, and CHEWBACCA medals. While that portion of the music plays. The lights go down.

C3PO (V.O.)

And, that is how the Rebellion was able to destroy the first DEATH STAR!

R2D2

Beeps and trills.

C3PO (V.O.)

Yes, R2 . . I know there’s more to the story. I just wanted to be sure I covered the important part about the first Death Star.

R2D2

Beeps angrily

C3PO (V.O.)

What do you mean I skipped the good parts from the Clone Wars? The Rebellion happened at the end of the Clone Wars.

R2D2

Trills.

C3PO (V.O.)

Fine, if you think you can tell a better story, go ahead and try!

The lights come back on. QUIGON JINN, and a young OBI-WAN KENOBI skate onto the ice. From the other direction, DARTH MAUL skates into view. As the theme music play they begin to fight with lightsabers. QUIGON is killed by MAUL, but KENOBI defeats MAUL.

Then, in choreography inspired by Attack of the Clones, ANAKIN joins KENOBI and fights COUNT DOOKU. DOOKU injures the heroes, but then faces off against YODA. The two fight until DOOKU is able to get away.

Then, under the music of Duel of the Fates, KENOBI and ANAKIN battle against the backdrop of lava. Finally, KENOBI gets the high ground and injures ANAKIN.

The lights go down.

C3PO (V.O.)

My goodness, that was a lot of fighting! But, there’s more to the story . . .

R2D2

Trills.

C3PO (V.O.)

I suppose you’re right, the rest will need to wait for a sequel, and our audience is probably getting pretty cold by now. Well, thank you for joining us, folks! I hope that you will visit again and watch Part II of our reenactment of how the Empire was defeated. Good night, and May the Force be With You!